reflections from our day

first of all. i'm not sure what is going on with my pictures!! so hopefully i can get that figured out soon :)

I wanted to reflect on the day Caleb and I had. My sweet boy. Oh how proud I am of him always. Today we had his OT evaluation. Sweet and wonderful hubby stayed home to watch Lucas so that I could take Caleb alone since the evaluation was from 9-12. I knew I would possibly need to be in there for the eval so it was not do-able with Lucas. Oh how the boys missed each other though! They were so excited to see one another when they reunited. Melt.my.heart. Love them.

The drive over provided just what I needed. Some heavenly wisdom. We were listening to KLOVE  on the radio and they quoted scripture "Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you" (Psalm 55:22) just what I needed to hear at that moment, for that morning, and for this new step/journey/season we are in. I imagined God holding us gently in his palm. I prayed for my sweet boy that he would feel safe today. I prayed for my heart to be filled with peace. I imagined God being there already, waiting for us. I prayed all through the evaluation as well.

We arrived. I waited outside for part of the time (they prefer to have the child alone but if need be, we can be in there if the child is distressed. She said I could be in or wait outside...so I chose to give Caleb a chance to try doing it without me there beside him) This was the first time Caleb would be alone (without a family member watching him) He pulled out his classic but very real, nervous pout. I don't think I'll forget that pout easily. It broke my heart in a million pieces. I mustered up the biggest smile I could find and tried my hardest to cheerfully say "I'll see you soon!" while inside I was about to fall apart. I then held my breath for about an hour on one side of the door....while Caleb held himself firmly planted to the other side of the door. He never budged. I ended up back in the room and we did the rest of the evaluation (she called me back in the room....since he wouldn't do anything without me) He did fine. She definitely saw areas of need and thought he would benefit from doing therapy. Gross motor, fine motor, muscle tone...which basically is all sensory related. (just like we thought). We have a consultation at the beginning of September. She'll go through everything with us...his needs...treatment...what they'll work on with him, what we can do at home. Basically as they help him by giving him 'sensory input' he will be able to better self regulate and his 'symptoms' (drool, melt downs, gross motor, fine motor struggles, social anxiety, etc.) will improve.

I drove home and I cried. I cried for my sweet baby who is sometimes misunderstood, but who has the most loving family surrounding him. I pray he'll have friends through life who 'get him' his shyness....he sweetness...he gentleness...he sensitivity...and his goofy side too.

I cried for what this will mean...twice a week therapy (30 minutes away)...trying to do this with two little boys who still need naps (as well as their mama)...how lucas will fit in to all this...

I cried for how much this will cost. We have good insurance but the 2x weekly speciality co-pays will add up to a lot each month. And trying to work that into our budget is going to be interesting.

I cried for what it all means....it isn't a clear picture...sensory stuff....muscle tone...gross motor...fine motor....and for all the questions whirling around in my head.

I cried because I was right. There was something more going on than just 'typical toddler tantrums'

But-I also cried in relief. And I then I stopped crying because I knew that God already has this all figured out. He will carry us through this.  I don't need to know everything right now. My questions will be answered in time...tomorrow...next week...next month... I thought about what a blessing it has been to have new friends come into my life...friends who  have already been through this...they have brought me comfort and wisdom. I can already see how God has His hand in all this...and He will continue to hold us through it.

There are so many unknowns...still more questions. More doctor visits. More follow ups. But my mind is at peace.

I feel weak. I feel exhausted. And I know I can't handle it all alone.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9) and I'm so glad I don't have to.
 
So this is what we know for now.
Our sweet firstborn is going to be in good hands getting the help he needs.... We are setting him up for success by giving him all the tools necessary to brave the big and sometimes scary world.

And we'll be with him, guiding him and supporting him. Just as He guides us and supports us.

Those are my thoughts and reflections, on our very big day. Nothing but backyard bliss planned for tomorrow with my boys. We need some quiet time to recover and to just be playing silly.