details interwoven

I wish I could write what I really mean and feel, though mostly it comes out as random jibber jabber... here are my thoughts on our life right now....the good and the hard mixed up together to create the beauty of life...tears, sadness, joy, peace, and love.

details i ache to hold onto...
two brothers, their bond. their conversation. their hugs. their love for each other. the way lucas talks to caleb and how caleb earnestly tries to understand-then announces for all to hear exactly what he thinks lucas is saying.

the stage they are both in...watching their relationship change and mold and form...from fighting and hitting and biting and crying and screaming one moment- to hugs and kisses, laughter and rough house. from spontaneous hugs and hand holding to giggles and whispers and brother boy language only they understand.

i so dearly want to hold onto lucas' sweet voice as he tries to say 'truck' and 'bird-y' and cling to his animal sounds 'moo' and 'quack quack' (seriously my favorite)...to monkey sounds and dog sounds. how he points out everything he sees. everything and with it an attempt at a word. having a 3 and a half year old and a one and a half year old. It is fun. And challenging and exhausting but oh so worth it.

work. i'm just not into it right now. it hurts every time I have to drive away from the boys, to watch them waving at me happy to be with daddy. I miss them already. It hurts when I have to leave them upset and when I have to pry their arms off of mine. It hurts when I have to kiss their cheeks and hug their little bodies knowing that sometimes they are already tucked in bed when I come home. Tip toeing in their rooms at night and watching them sleep makes me feel like time is never long enough. rocking lucas; back and forth in his rocking chair. inhaling sweetness. cuddled up close. savoring tuck ins with caleb. My babies are growing up and it hurts sometimes. But all this hard is good because it makes me treasure every single day I don't work. Every bath time is more special because I get to be there. Every tuck in I linger over because I am there. It hurts to leave them, but it makes coming home that much sweeter (and I'm thankful it's only 3 evenings a week for only 3 hour sessions. It doesn't seem that long but when they sleep as much as they do with naps and early bedtime it feels as though I'm missing a lot) Find the good in the hard. Be thankful for the struggle. These are the whispered reminders I must hear.

I am painfully aware how short our days together can be. I miss our lingering pajama mornings and early walks of leisure. I miss our home days more than anything-except for when we are home sometimes we just need to get out! The irony in that makes me laugh. I miss more the option of staying home. But we have our Fridays and our Tuesdays and our Mondays (after home OT) and I know that leaving means more help for C. That I can make our mornings special still. We make adventure trips to the park by Miss A's and the boys get a half hour in of play before C's OT. We make trips to a waterfountain or stop by the library on the way home. We eat lunch outside instead of inside. We make smoothies for breakfast and these little things make me stop and treasure today. To not linger over the past and how we used to spend our days but to treasure the present and the memories we are making now. Because soon enough all these days will be memories and I know I'll miss them all-even as I miss them now.

surgery. the date is set. there's not much I can say about it because I feel so mixed up with fear and worry and unsettling dreams that come and leave me feeling tired. But I put my Trust in the One who can carry my burden and I pray that we are doing what will in the end help. That Caleb's little body will finally be able to get the rest it so greatly needs and that his sleep apnea will go away. I pray his body will be protected through the surgery and that his recovery will go smoothly. He has a lot of prayer warriors on his side.

runs. i fell today; a face plant. but it's all good. running keeps me going through it all :)

I'm so happy it's almost Friday! I need some serious family time..

no new pictures- just some of my favorites..

what i'm excited about:
finishing up our garden beds. planting fruits and veggies in them. family time. dinners and baths and naps and walks and backyard play. just spending time with my boys :)

blog lovn' (encouraging words and thoughts that inspire)
four years six months ten days @harpershappenings and parents to admire @ deliberateparenting.net