and then...

Monterey

 

 this weekend we took the boys to the beach for Father's day. It was nice just being together away from the house for the day. Our life has felt out of sorts and crazy lately. Things have been harder than usual with our sweet firstborn. sleep (or lack there of) self regulation (lack of again) and melt downs (plenty of them) have worn d and I down. My heart hurts and aches for my firstborn; I wish life wasn't so hard for him, I wish I could help him more. I sometimes wonder why he has to go through this and why do we? Sometimes I feel like I'm not cut out to be a good enough mom for him, but where does that get us? No where. God obviously knows what he is doing, even if I feel like we do not. God gifted us with him and only because of Caleb's trials have I been able to see the world in a different way, a better way. Yes things are hard and a lot of times I get discouraged when things aren't going well with him but I know that God knows what he is doing and I can't even imagine a sweeter big brother for lucas. He may have to try harder to do things others do without thinking, but goodness, has he taught me ever so much. I've learned joy in the most incredible way with him and an appreciation for the little things in life, the moments that truly matter. I've learned what it means to go beyond what you think you are capable of. He's a rock star and he's got Lucas, our happy, singing, joy bird right beside him, easing the way and the two of them make us so proud. We're in yet another season of change with some strong winds and currents washing us around, but where would the rainbow be without the storm? with that said...here's our little rainbow.

                                                                  The secret's out.

 

 baby #3 due January 26th. I'm eight weeks and just had my first ultrasound yesterday. The baby is measuring 9weeks1day (both the boys always measured about 1-2 weeks ahead) we found out at 3 weeks (and we couldn't be happier)

found the sweetest little bookstore with a kids corner down the street from C's Ot. It made my day. (and lucas' too.)

So, the boys are pretty excited. Caleb really wants a baby brother (we ask him if he thinks he's getting a baby brother or a baby sister) and Lucas keeps saying Baby and both boys seem to think the baby resides in my stomach as well as their stomach. (lucas copies caleb's every movement) so it's cute and kind of weird and i'm not sure if I want to burst caleb's bubble and let him in on a little secret that only Girls can have babies in their tummies. (I did tell him once and he didn't take it well) And for as much as I do love being pregnant and nursing, I will admit I have told Dave more than a few times how much I wish he could carry this babe. (the head over the toilet bowl and stomach issues from the meds have gotten old quickly; started by week 4...I'm praying it won't go till week 20 as it did for both boys) yet, kisses on my belly from the boys for the baby are pretty sweet (almost sweet enough to make me forget how truly awful I feel every day right now) morning sickness (all day/ all night sickness actually) is not fun!

. Mostly, the past couple weeks have us worn out (being sick and having plenty of we're a hot mess moments, but I know this too shall pass and I am trying to find joy in the little moments (away from the bathroom with my head in the toilet bowl, with an audience of two)