tears and prayers.

I want to share some thoughts, hard thoughts to share; things I keep mostly to myself. Whispered prayers. Tears I cry sometimes...

 

 
sweet moment at the park this morning

first this.
yesterday at the dentist. lucas pulled out his pout face during his cleaning. he held it together for most of it until the end, then he burst into tears. caleb rushed to his side, held his hand, and tried to be brave; two pout faces. oh my heart. my sweet caleb. he's the sweetest big brother. always with a strong steady hand to guide lucas. always quick to be at his little brother's side. he amazes me daily with his capacity to love on lucas so greatly.

some hard thoughts to share.
this morning. the car. driving home. it seems as great as c is doing in OT he still struggles when things he wants to control; he can't. any little thing can set him off into a major melt down and both d and I are at a loss of what to do. deep pressure, hugs, doing his home program first thing in the morning,  breaks in his room, keeping calm, not keeping calm, yelling, sometimes even screaming,  moving myself away to avoid totally losing my cool; we've both done and tried everything. I know it is hard when my ever patient husband has to leave the room because his patience has run thin. It breaks my heart. It aches my heart. It leaves me feeling worn out. exhausted. hopeless. despaired. frustrated. angry. sad. if there's an emotion out there, I've felt it. If there's a strategy out there, we've tried it. We know we have all the tools and he's getting all the help he needs. It still leaves us feeling at times completely at a loss of what to do. It is hard to describe and I know family members, friends, strangers. They may look and wonder why are we giving him so much control? It's a fine line to balance and create in our home; letting him feel like he is in control and then the other line, him being in too much control (if he feels out of control it inevitably leads to a melt down; this is just one aspect of our sensory life) . It's hard to not think about what other people think, it's hard not to compare. This is our struggle and through it we've celebrated major victories. I could not and would not appreciate all that he is; bright, sweet, sensitive, empathetic, silly, creative, imaginative, inquisitive, smart, an aptitude for language and music; there's so much more to my sweet firstborn than meets the eye. There's so much more to him than what appears. But sometimes when his body betrays him and he's a puddle of tears and screams on the floor my heart breaks. My mind goes where it shouldn't go. I now know things he's missing out on because he just isn't able to adapt and transition as easily as others. He teaches me, tries me, strengthens me, challenges me in every way. Being his mother is the hardest job I've ever had to do but I wouldn't have it any other way. Our family is complete with my two brother boys and hope that whispers in my belly. He makes us more compassionate, more understanding, more patient, stronger, braver, and wiser. He's taught me what it means to become a mother and continues to teach me. As his mother, I'm braver than I ever thought I could be.  So, while this season we are in brings so many challenges and struggles, sadness and even loneliness, It still brings with it Hope and Love and Joy.
Love you so much sweet Caleb.