peace curled up on our backyard swing.

Today I dozed in our backyard swing while the boys played and the sun beat warm upon me. I felt a true sense of peace for the first time in a couple weeks. After a lot of research and pouring over reading material about bio-medical doctors and various preschool options for Caleb I feel as though we have come to a good place. The past two weeks have been emotionally exhausting for me. But I really feel a sense of peace and calm after my 'research' storm.

Today we toured Meadowlark Preschool This is my ideal preschool for C, but financially we just can't afford it. I still wanted to tour it and go to the open house today as a family to see what our ideal preschool experience would be. Of course it was love at first sight for all of us.  Caleb actually cried when we had to leave (that doesn't happen much; usually he cries when we go to a place not when we leave) The space was set up beautifully and was very calming and open and I could see that Caleb felt safe there. He played and explored. There was a dress up area and a kitchen and so many natural materials such as pine cones with magnifying glasses and rocks. They let the kids mix and pour while baking and they bring in bugs and various community people and animals for the children. They have sensory play and each day holds structure and consistency among creative exploration. I know the director and actually I've met one of the sweet girls on staff before. Random story; but she helped Lucas in I in MH awhile back find a few diff. parks and things to do while C does OT. I thought this was just hilarious that we recognized each other! We go back Tuesday to tour when the children are there. This experience was a one eighty from our preschool tour last week. Not only did I come close to tears as I tried to picture C at the other preschool that felt more like childcare than a learning experience but the space at the other preschool not only overwhelmed me, but Caleb as well. It was small and stuffy and not where I could imagine Caleb feeling safe. As much as I know Caleb would feel safe with me, everyday, I know that ideally he needs to be okay away from me, especially given his sensory struggles. Even if letting go is hard to do! But...I think slowly easing our way into it will be best for all of us.

What's more is they are willing to work with us so we can do one day a week(affordable with our budget) and I feel as though this will ease C and I both into him being away from home...just as he is thriving under the care of Miss A twice a week in OT; I see him thriving away from me with other children. The social aspect is so critical for him because of his sensory struggles. I also feel it can be the best of both worlds because I'll still have him home with me the other days and can teach him at home as well and we can continue doing MOMS Club activities and play dates together. I feel good because I don't have to 'let go' of our time together yet...I think we can all be okay with one day a week for now.

Before becoming a parent I had my 'pre-parenting' ideas. Now that I have my own children and especially with Caleb I have learned to look through not just my 'lens' but more importantly his lens and doing what is right for our family. Each child and each family is different and I'm thankful I can really look and research all our different options and hear friends who have children at the different preschools or friends who home school, etc.; then making our decision based on all these various factors. Looking through life now with 'special sensory' lens means... I will look harder and research more and walk through fire for my sweet boy; what parent wouldn't? Caleb has made me so much braver than I could have imagined I ever would be! As his parents we want him to feel safe and loved and to grow and be nurtured so that he feels safe when he goes out into the world. We are his advocates and speaking up and educating others so they may be understand him along this journey is just one thing I am learning to do little by little. One baby step at a time for all of us. We are given Grace for each day; moment by moment. I know God has his hand in all of this and I pray under His Wisdom and Guidance we will place Caleb exactly where he should be so that his little wings can blossom and he can fly. I'm feeling thankful my heart can feel God's peace in this decision and that we are on step closer to figuring all this out. I had no idea this would be so hard!

From our Friday....(I love Fridays!!)

 enjoying twinkly lights and dinner on the patio friday night.

junior agent savers club through wells Fargo. the boys were excited to set up their own savings account; or maybe they were just excited to hold the papers :)

the elephant in the playroom
Funny, I read this book before we knew about Caleb's sensory struggles, yet while I read it, I felt like I could so relate to some of the stories of families with special needs children. Now I see why I could so relate! Now I am reading it again from another side, raising a child with sensory needs. Kind of like when you read a book at one time in your life and then read it again later and you have a totally different perspective. Same goes for when I read the bible. This is why I love reading books more than once :)

Lastly,
Went for a 7 miler run with three big hills this am with my running friend who thank goodness we have each other or else I def. would not be as motivated to get up early and run. Felt.so.good. I still haven't been doing 3 mile runs during the week, only 2 mile runs, but I'm glad that I am still running and really it's one of the best ways for me to de-stress and relax! That and backyard sunshine with my boys.

Happy Weekend :)

enjoying the sunshine....

conversations.

Heart squeeze moments...

"Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any othersome things the boys have been saying lately that cause me to smile big.

Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God... " Caleb had this song in his head this morning, I didn't know he knew the words, but apparantly he does (some of the words anyway) :) It was a heart melt moment for sure. We've been listening to klove our our drives to OT and he hums along in the backseat and sings along to the songs he knows. I just love his sweet voice. My lil singer/guitarstrumming/dancing/Caleb.

spontaneous...."I love you so much mommy" followed by a hug. ~C

lucas crying; caleb runs over "it's okay lucas I love you!" followed by a huge hug. Lucas immediately stops crying.

Lucas has been very 'vocal' about what he needs and can get easily upset lately. If Caleb takes away something or we take something unsafe away he bursts into tears that drip big; huge pout that just melts my heart. When I pick him up and talk to him and validate how he is feeling "oh you're so sad about this or that, etc" he lays his head on my shoulder and just nuzzles. I love his cuddles.

Lucas is talking so much but he also babbles so I'm not even aware of what words he's saying but new ones pop out all the time. The other day he was playing with a ball and he just kept saying 'ball, ball' and then I told him this morning "go find brother, go find Caleb" (Hoping I could have a moment to use the bathroom alone! lol) So Lucas takes off and says '' ca lub" ca lub' something along those lines. I think I need to listen more carefully to him, Caleb tends to talk all the time at home so Lucas' words tend to get lost in the shuffle. He's changing so much everyday!!


Just loving their love. Their play. Their friendship. Their giggles. Their conversations between one another. This is just such a fun age. The way they play together is growing and I love it so much. I can easily imagine one more brother in the mix...(did i just say that?...mkay..)

Love my boys.

sun sparkles

Happy Wednesday.

little joy moments from yesterday and today...

post nap backyard play. family laughter around the dinner table. bubble baths. making it to OT in normal clothes today for c and no melt downs. water fountain wonder. naps. kisses. giggles.

craving...
a run. chocolate chip cookies. and a nap.

enjoying...sunshine.

joy filled moments

i love how they love books. curled up with mouse and friends.

 

i'm not sure how to put to words what i'm feeling...how do you sum up these fleeting wrap around your heart moments?

lucas running over and reaching up 'mama'... arms wrapped around me in a big hug...i never want to let go moment. he always seems to know when i need a hug the most. he lays his head tucked in deep on my shoulder, dimple smile reaches his eyes and calms my heart.

caleb's hand wrapped tight and his nervous face as we toured a preschool potential for the fall this morning. me trying to hold back tears and trying to be brave for my scared little boy, while on the inside i was just as scared. i don't want them to grow up moment. my maybe crazy idea moment of...i'll start my own preschool because sending him away from me even for just two mornings a week seems too hard for him and me. is he ready? am i ready? i didn't know it would be this hard. will it be a good fit? praying for Grace and Wisdom in this hard decision. 

caleb's empathy. a "don't be sad mom" moment. my wise little owl. sometimes our hearts hurt bad, but that is okay. change can be hard. but that's how we grow.

playing at the park with friends moment. warm,  fresh, air and sunshine and feeling grateful for these simple things i get to do with them because i'm home with them each day.

pre-nap cuddles and giggles. heart filled up moment. their love. their laughter. my joys.

having to leave for work yesterday while they stilled napped and coming home and they are in bed, knowing i only missed 3 hrs and am only gone three evenings a week now doesn't take away the ache of missing them moments. of hearing stories of what they did and how they were when i come home- but work problems have been solved thanks to an amazing sup. and feeling better about that moment.

curled up on the couch watching a movie with the one that i love moment.

sneaking into little boy rooms and holding them close under the moon moments...listening to their sweet breaths, smelling their sweet scent, aching with love and wonder. heart bursting love moments.

the afternoon spread out before us today with warm sun, a light heart knowing i'll be home for dinner and baths and bedtime tuck ins. a content heart moment.

feeling pulled in many directions lately, dr. apts, traveling, having to set up another appointment for my sweet c, (ear nose and throat specialist for his breathing at night and bio med for his nutrition/sensory/allergy/asthma/muscle tone/concerns.) and wishing time would slow...missing our home days a little....holding the moments of kisses and laughter, wiping tears, hugging sadness away, little hands tucked in mine warm and safe, giggles, stories, breakfast table conversation, pre nap laughter and cuddles, backyard barefoot happy play, cuddles on the bed and reading, brother love wrapped up in it all and a mama's heart who feels so much love for her precious sons.

I Cherish these little moments with my boys.

wishing you, a joyful...Tuesday.

"We have to love until it hurts. It is not enough to say, "I love." We must put that love into a living action. And how do we do that? By giving until it hurts"
~Mother Teresa

"Joy comes to those who in a sense forget themselves and become totally aware of the other."
~Mother Teresa

"Joy is prayer; joy is strength, joy is love." ~Mother Teresa

"Be faithful in little things. Smile at one another. We must live beautifully" ~Mother Teresa.


for me...there is so much encouragement in prayer; in his Word; through family, with friends, in my husband and children. I am grateful for my joy-filled blessings.

lately.

lately....
we are soaking up sunshine. spending time gardening (d and lucas mostly). reading. playing. resting. enjoying lucas and all his words he's been spouting out lately as well as his little toddler running that is just beginning. smiling lots cause we have two little musicians in the making. relishing, just being a family.....

****warning: mind rant...please only read if you don't mind a mother's ramblings...
last week was an interesting week. my mom's friend has a little boy who is autistic (my mom taught him in kinder) anyway she has a blog which i read....found here (healing autism and adhd)  it was very insightful and full of information...my brain honestly went into overload...I then picked up this book at the library...healing the new childhood epidemics... in working with special needs kiddos, most who are autistic, this information has come my way before...special diets, supplements, not buying foods that contain artificial food dyes and coloring, etc...it is something we are looking into and researching (oh boy have i been reading and researching...like all last week; while the boys napped or after they went to bed) my head felt like it was going to explode! My mom told me to stop reading and take a break..which i did (mostly) this weekend...We now find ourselves here... we have an apt. at the end of april to meet and consult with a  bio-med doctor who specializes in helping those who have various needs (i.e asthma, allergies, sensory, etc)..for caleb we see a connection with his sensory processing difficulties, allergies, and asthma...It seems like it all goes back to the basics and one of the things being nutrition and making sure caleb's getting the right nutrients and perhaps needing extra supplements and being on the right vitamin...so...this has all been a little overwhelming but also I see yet another puzzle piece fitting together... Even though Caleb does eat healthy I see this as one more way to help him along with OT 3x a week (in a sensory gym with miss a and at home with miss p). I'm grateful for all OT has done and will continue to do this year and next. I am hoping figuring out if Caleb has certain needs when it comes to nutrition (whether it ends up being a diet of going wheat free/diary free, or just needing extra supplements to help his body or just being on the right vitamin) I am thankful for the resources I've found in this community (my mom's friend went to this dr. and it has made a huge difference for her son..i really am so grateful to have friends who i can trust and know caleb's only seeing the best of the best). I have new information just swimming around in my head and I'm trying to absorb it all. It is crazy honestly all the artificial food coloring and preservatives the government allows to be put in our food, hair products, lotions, etc. So yes...I have crossed over to the 'go green' way and while we aren't there all the way, I think slowly we are trying to make little changes in our family's life to eventually become more earth friendly for our boys. I think children who have allergies, asthma, adhd, autism, sensory processing disorder, etc...do have a sensitivity to the toxins in our environment whether that is food or products on the market that have un-natural ingredients, or even just what is in the air, etc. So, I've blabbed enough about this...we shall see what happens and I am hopeful we will find out more answers and helpful info through lab work and meeting with a doctor who specializes in bio-med....so go ahead and check out the blog or website or book if you're interested... :) because i'm not sure i made any sense whatsoever!!! i'll blame my bio-med research fog on that!! go ahead and ask if you have questions though :) i'm sure i probably sound crazy but don't worry, i have good resources and people who are on this journey and have paved the way so to speak for us! i'm very grateful for them and know God has placed them in our life for a reason ;)

other than my mind fog....which i'm impressed if you made it past the pictures at this point!!

this is my first week down to 3x a week of working and i'm pleased as punch!! I feel as though a weight has been lifted :)

running is still touch and go. last week was not a good running week but we ran five miles saturday so hopefully i'll be better about running this week! or at least do a Jillian's dvd with d a couple times. my belly is starting to lose muscle :/ , well, honestly i either need to sign up for a race at this point or get preggo!! lol...kidding...kinda.

i hope it warms up enough for a beach day with the boys soon!! loving all the spring colors that are starting to bloom. yellow daffidales in the backyard and pink blossoms on the trees. beauty makes my heart happy.

our backyard is starting to look alive again (thanks to d!) and i am hoping to post some more pictures from my camera soon :)

Hope you had a beautiful weekend and Happy Monday.

dancing in the morning light.

i love listening to their table talk. this morning it was over animal sounds...belly laughs filled up the room.

Adele is in Caleb's head...so he was singing her song this am...it turned into morning dancing...

good morning sweet sunshine.

via link  
love this. finding joy in the 'messy' moments. how beautiful and imperfect motherhood is; finding joy in those moments.

following our dance party early this morning and even after getting through C's home program (a hot brain sequence to fire him up/ sensory)  he still had a major melt down over getting dressed and leaving for OT. poor guy had a really rough night last night too. not sure what's going on as he seems slightly more off than usual. These very hard moments make my heart ache for him. God gives us the Grace we need for each day and moment. I try not to think ahead to school days and the challenges those days will bring for him. My heart hurts for him, that these little everyday things such as transitioning to getting dressed or transitioning to meal time or even the transition to leave the house (notice...all transitions) are so very hard and cause such a struggle for him, as well as us.  All we can do is simply take it one day at a time and to use our 'sensory' knowledge to help us and equip him to help him with his sensory struggles.  I'm grateful for the little moments where the sun shines through the windows and touches the boys' faces in a halo of warm light. I'm grateful I am able to be here to dance and laugh with them and watch them move their little hips and then fall to the floor in giggles. I love them and each moment with them fills up my heart with love spilled over. Every moment is worth it, just to be basked in their love and innocent childhood joy.

Happy Wednesday!!

i've posted a couple videos below for family to enjoy!! ....of the boys...one from our slo trip 'duck' adventure and one from a couple weeks ago of the boys just playing and having fun. enjoy :)

diaper dancing