some moments from our week...

I haven't been able to think and pray of much else but for 20 little angels and their heroes since Friday. My heart carries them with me through the day as I think of their families; but mostly their mamas, facing such sadness the week before Christmas. Doing things they shouldn't be doing. I etch each sweet face into my memory, I read each story, memorize each name, if only so that I too can take a piece of the pain away for them, but I know I can't. If my heart is breaking this much...then I ache with the knowledge these families are aching 100 times more. The world is crying with them, this I know. I've carried this sadness all week as I try and snuggle up my little ones just a little bit tighter, as I try and etch my own little boys' faces into my own for always. I'm thankful for the innocence my boys have. That they are too little to know the world has been forever changed. I watch and read these stories while they sleep safely in their beds knowing that 20 mamas are tucking their sweet babies in with tears filled with only memories. The little brothers and sisters that are tucked in alone now, without big sister or big brother there. It breaks my heart into a million pieces. It hurts so much. Is God crying too? I'd like to think so. I believe his tears are falling far from heaven for those families who feel such sorrow, but I imagine he's also dancing with 27 newly welcomed angels. I also believe in Hope and the Goodness of humanity despite such tragedy ( this being one...20 acts of kindness) Let's spread some good this week, for CT.

 

Here are some moments from our week starting today-going backwards. (iphone. sorry! nice camera will come out for next week)

 little man wants to walk all by himself. no hand holding allowed. big brother wants to dress himself. no assisting or opinion from mama allowed. mama tucks her cold hand back in her pocket, her lips stay sealed with a smile, and she simply allows herself to hold them safely in her heart. 

favorite library nook.

 

little fireball climbs up quick before mama can catch him.

birthday party for jesus. big brother protector

and then out comes mr. mischief. little man sprawled on the floor! hi.

 

and then hamming it up with the little ladies. lil lu what are we going to do with you?! you have a smile for everyone.

 

my favorite moment at the jesus birthday party, the sweetest nativity play i ever did see.

library trip for the week consisted of stock piling up on books with read along cds for sweet c. and his very first library card.  I was possibly more excited than him getting his very first library card!

OT drives are now sort of like a built in story and sing along hour. i'm loving it.

santa sighting on our christmas light walk with nani and auntie lor.

santa...and snow, pretty special.

 

 

 

 

Christmas at God's house

Twas' 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38,

when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate.

Their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air,

they could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.

They were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say,

they remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.

"Where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.

"This is heaven!" declared a small boy. "We're spending Christmas at God's house."

When what to their wondering eyes did appear,

but Jesus, their saviour, the children gathered near.

He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.

Then He opened His arms and He called them by name.

And in that moment was joy that only heaven can bring,

those children all flew into the arms of their King.

And as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,

one small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face.

And as if He could read all the questions she had,

He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of your mom and dad."

Then He looked down on earth, the world far below,

He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe.

Then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,

"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!"

"May this country be delivered from the hands of fools,

I'm taking back my nation, I'm taking back my schools!"

Then He and the children stood up without a sound.

"Come now my children, let me show you around."

Excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran,

all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.

And I heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,

"In the midst of this darkness, I AM THE LIGHT."

Written by Cameo Smith, Mt. Wolf, PA

I read this today...light. It was worth the read if you have time! Let's be the light my friends.

What if your blessings came through raindrops?

"Blessings"

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

I love this song. Each word. It is a beautiful song and it makes me cry when I hear it. My heart has been so saddened with the tragedy of 20 beautiful little children and the loss of the 7 adults as well. I ache when I think about what their parents are going through, what those on the scene Friday morning saw and heard. The rescuers, the firefighters, the police, the families, the siblings. It hurts so much. I can't bare it. I lift each of them up in prayer, several times a day. I squeeze the boys tighter and love them harder. I've sobbed for their pain. I've weeped for their ache. I lift each of them up to God. For he holds them and weeps with them. I think this song can put to words what  I feel better than anything else. We can't see through the storm, but God can. He is already there. There's a hurt so deep and a sadness so raw. I give it over to God to hold. I pray for all these families. The little ones. God is holding them near during this sorrowful time. Lord, may you comfort and hold near each one who is affected by this terrible tragedy. Draw them near to you. Life them up in your heavenly Grace. Amen.

A quick update on caleb. It feels small compared to this great hugeness we are facing as a nation right now. This great terrible sadness. But I wanted to share real quick that we had Caleb's IEP. It went well. He didn't qualify for services at the special education preschool. This is a blessing and a relief. He was high avg for language and cognitive and his motor skills were also in the avg range, low avg, but still avg. Not enough to qualify him. His private OT is making such a difference and we caught his sensory struggles early enough that he is doing well enough that we can find a good fit for him elsewhere. Most likely we'll put him in just 2x a week preschool come September to help him socially. They recommended a couple good ones, as well as having a couple friends whose children go to these rec preschools. I'll be looking into two come January. My heart is so gladdened by the fact that I get to keep my sweet firstborn home with me and that we will find a good fit for him for the fall, when he'll be almost four. Deep in my heart I knew the special ed classroom wasn't a good fit, when we did the eval there. I'm glad that through all the evaluation they told me what my heart knew. God has his hand in all of this. As we continue on this journey with him we will pray for direction and wisdom in finding a good fit for preschool that can nurture and strengthen him through this 'sensational journey'.

and because what's a monday without a read and be lifted up from a couple of my favorite blogs? enjoyingthesmallthings, omyfamily, &peaceitalltogether

cozy by the fire.

 

those books you read that are so good you can curl up with them for hours?

firefly lane

This is one of them! I lucked out finding it at the library. Kristin Hannah is one of my favorite authors. And this is probably my favorite book I've read of hers! It is definitely a book that you can't put down once you start reading it! (I should know, I stayed up way too late last night reading it)
A beautiful book portraying female friendship that endures for over 30 years through a lifetime of ups and downs. Have the tissue handy my friends!

Caleb and Lucas, there are many things I hope you'll learn and carry with you in your life. A deep love of books is one of them. I hope you'll enjoy reading half as much as your mama and daddy do. Books can take you to far off places and there you'll find friendships, adventure, love, and much more. There's nothing like cozying up with a good book! I love cuddling up with you boys and reading stories. I love going to the library with you to pick books. And I love that you already love books and the beautiful stories of magic and wonder inside. Growing up your daddy learned to love books from his mommy. Growing up your mama learned to love books from her mommy reading to her every night and from hearing her papa talk about how wonderful and magical books could be. I love that now it is our turn, to instill that same love of books in you two. Books inspire, teach, encourage, take you on adventures, and are always there, waiting...for you to simply open up and begin reading. I love you my sweet boys.

praying

 a prayer filled with tears for this CT tragedy. for the children, families, teachers, and all those affected by this tragedy. My heart is heartbroken.

Parenthood and letters.

Can I just say?...I love this show! This week's episode. What to My Wondering Eyes I highly suggest starting at season one and working your way up to this season (season 4). And I will say this...I am picky about my TV shows! There are only a couple other shows Dave and I watch. This one is our favorite though :) Make sure you have tissue handy when you watch.

letter to my boys....

all smiles after a face plant (lips cut and bleeding of course!)

 

Oh Lucas. What can I even say? I pray constantly for God's protection over you. You are walking everywhere and with that comes a lot of falling. Today while sitting in your high chair you started choking on cereal...you were fine...but it scared me! Moments later as we were leaving for OT you were walking to the car, fell, and face planted. Blood everywhere, once again. This time on your bottom lip. You are very accident prone it seems and this makes me nervous! Of course, you just keep on smiling through it all!!

 

Caleb. You are just getting sweeter by the day, and more talkative..if that is even possible (since you talk constantly already!). Today you sang all your Christmas songs on our car ride. Noel seems to be a favorite. I love hearing your sweet voice. I love that you enjoy singing so much! I'm not sure how it is even possible for you to have so many songs memorized. You constantly surprise us! Miss. A was very excited telling me today how great you did in OT. She said she wished she could have had a video camera to record it. This made me smile. You were doing so much jumping and you caught a ball for the first time with her today. You were following her directions so well and really had strong task persistence. We are so happy to see you coming out of your shell little by little. Looking back over the past two months I am amazed at all the changes we have seen in you. You are so much happier and more confident. This makes my heart feel full. We are so blessed to have found you such a safe place to spread your wings, under Miss A's care. We love you so much Caleb.

Visitors are coming this weekend. More evening walks to look at Christmas lights, baking to be done, and preparations in the works for our Oregon Christmas!

Happy almost Friday.

all aboard the conductor cried out.

we've been reading The Polar Express a lot. It comes with a CD you can listen to in the car (put it in for our drive yesterday to Morgan Hill) big mistake. I got to hear the story on repeat for an hour! Was once one of my favorite Christmas stories. I'm hoping by next year I'll cry good tears again from having a one year break. (cause I really do love the story.) All this to say that...setting up the train Papa got the boys last year for Christmas was really exciting for Caleb. Really exciting! He yells out "all aboard the conductor cried out" almost every time we talk about trains (cause that's what they say in the Polar Express of course) I'm glad we found a good home for it around the tree for Christmas this year. I also love how Caleb is all business with the controls for the train. He very gently works it with precision and skill. It's good we have ourselves a lil conductor to carry on the train tradition! (yes...every single Christmas my dad set up his train, I remember going with my dad to the train store so he could get supplies. He painted his trains carefully, he built the tracks from scratch. It's pretty amazing actually and his excitement over his trains spilled onto us. I'm glad he now has grandsons to share in the train excitement with! Let the train traditions begin.)