all of it.

so i made a little beach video. can you tell i'm loving my new video discovery? and since i love the beach so much....
i thought i'd better post a nice picture or a nice video before i go on my soap box....indulge me for a moment?? or two....if you don't care to hear my sob story....just watch the video :)

i had myself a lil pity party walk today. all by myself. while my oh so amazing and ever so supportive hubby took over bedtime duties....the boys were already in bed....just not completely asleep yet (post swaddle free wake up and toddler tantrum...you know...he was there to endure the tears...while i snuck away). he really is my knight in shinning armor. so....even with all his help...sometimes....i feel.....
so completely.utterly.beyond all get out.exhausted! why is this so hard? they never told me it would be this hard!!! motherhood. parenting. full time 24/7. all day. everyday. did they tell me and i just didn't listen??? probably. this is hands down. the hardest thing i've ever done in my entire life. ever. raising two boys. being a wife. a mother. it is certainly the most rewarding, the most fulfilling too. while i wouldn't change it or them for the world...i still have days, moments, daydreams, where i wish i could be my carefree, college girl self. nothing to worry about-but.me. oh those days. how about my carefree newlywed days where i was just living on love? now i'm living on dirty diapers, toddler tears, bedtime battles, no's in my ears, up in the night, twice a night, early mornings, restless nights, worries, sickness, and all that comes from mothering two little boys. i have a whole new respect for my mom and dave's mom and well...every mom for that matter! how did they do it? four kids! three kids in three years? oh my lanta!! they are amazing. truly. dave's grandma had ten kids! does it get easier? i mean...it has since sweet as can be lucas entered our world and these two lil boys stole my heart with their sweetness in the way they are together. but still-i'm tired. i'm tired of never truly getting a real break. of feeling guilty when i do. of never being off duty. of all hours of life with little ones that revolve around dishes and dirty diapers and tantrums and laundry and so much more. this was what went around my head-all on my walk. as i struggled with my thoughts and muddled through my tears. i had a nice lil chat with someone much wiser and All Knowing. He kindly lifted me. He kindly warmed me. The rays of sun reflected on the mountains. The fresh air filled my lungs. The tears that silently fell were wiped away with His hands. He Held Me. He told me. "It'll be all right" He whispered in my ear. "Look." "look at what i have given you, look at all that I have given you..." and He showed me....the birds that flew in my path and lifted my eyes up toward Him. The strong legs that walked in the fresh air that brought me to Him. The man he gave me to wed. Who keeps me strong when I am ready to fall. And the two sweet boys He gifted to me. Because He knew, that they were here to teach me. To make me wiser and stronger and braver than I ever thought I could be. And he whispered that He'll hold me through it-tears and all. Happiness and sadness, joy and fear, laughter and love. The hardness is what grows us. And I'm simply growing-and it hurts sometimes.

I really like this song. It came on while I was running today and it couldn't be more fitting for how I have been feeling.
http://youtu.be/1sdK0BgqSIg