happy friday!

backyard play

lucas was pushing caleb in the wagon, but of course as soon as the camera came out it stopped! :) so here's a clip of them anyway.

friday love. weekend is upon us in a mere few hours. happy my heart. plans include
 a long saturday morning run (8 miles.eek.), our weekly menu planning, list making, and saturday morning grocery trip. Church,  Monterey family bike ride, followed by resting and relaxing! I love the weekends. The traditions we've created with the boys....little things like dinners and grocery trips...and more special things like beach trips and family bike rides. They are small and may not seem significant but to me they are creating memories and building bonds that will last forever : )

Happy weekend. What are your family traditions? From the everyday ones to the rare and special special ones?

One Thing Remains

a good song i heard on klove this week ;)

words between

some moments i wanted to remember from this morning. gosh i love my sweet boys to pieces.
 i read caleb and lucas their nap time stories and then we moved onto the next part of our 'nap time routine' caleb was started saying his prayers and lucas was busy as usual. caleb told me 'prayer hands mama' and then reprimanded lucas for making too much noise while he was praying 'lukie be quiet.' then caleb went through his 'i love yous' where he named all those he loves. I like to think he's blessing each one as he says their name. 'i love nani and poppy. i love grandma and grandpa, mary and craig, uncle andrew, katie, jenny, laura, cousin angela, lisha, joey, abu, dominic and sophia, johnny and chrissy, etc....." then he says 'i love lucas' "lucas you love me too?? yeah he does mama, cause you're my brother lukie. love you to the whole wide world luke!!" melt my heart one hundred times over. gosh he's the sweetest with his baby brother.

let me give you a little picture of their personalities. at potluck preschool today caleb nervously stood in the safety of my leg most of the time and the comfort of my lap. lucas sprawled himself in the middle of the circle on the carpet floor and smiled at everyone around the circle. caleb watched protectively and made sure lucas didn't go too far from us. he'd pull him back quietly and say 'no lucas come here' and then lucas would giggle and smile up at caleb as they plopped themselves side by side. we rode home, them in the trailer, me pulling on my bike. i'd keep stealing glances back at the two of them. caleb reading a book, lucas his head perched over caleb's shoulder watching and listening to his big brother. both of them helmets side by sides heads down engrossed in pictures and story.

the morning started shaky. my sweet sister endured a nice sob from my end of the phone as i spilled some sadness i was holding onto about the hard days we've been having this week. i asked dave to pray for us at work. that i would be patient for caleb and that he'd have an okay day. and you know what? we did. i sat in the swing doing my bible study outside while caleb played and lucas napped. and while caleb's mood was good for the morning...and can always change post nap...it's okay. each days starts anew. each moment. it felt good to release a little cry, wipe my tears, laugh on the phone with jenny because she 'gets it' and she 'gets him' and it's gonna be all right ;) i'm so thankful that i'm home with them. i love the moments we share together and i'll treasure them always. i know these harder days are so small in the scheme of things. it is easy to get caught up in them and forget the big picture. there is so much suffering and pain in the world. but there is a lot of goodness too.

i write these moments down...and many moments from our days together so that i can remember. i want to remember all the little moments that cause me to pause, take out my imaginary memory bottle, and capture it...that way i'll look back years from now with snapshots engraved forever in my heart of these sweet boys and the many beautiful moments they've created with each other. oh how i love them so.

family bike ride

love their toes. their smiles. the way lucas leaned into caleb on the ride over and looked up at him with only the adoration a little brother can have for his big brother. love the way caleb chatted with lucas the entire time. their heads huddled together. helmets bumping helmets. brother stuff.  love the way caleb's excitement spilled onto lucas as he told him everything... how daddy was going so fast. how big the bumps were. i love how lucas just smiled in agreement. grahm crackers were passed from one hand to another. eyes were bright with wonder on little boy faces. it was fun. and i'm excited for many more bike rides with them. it was just what we all needed today.

a look in the window

i want to remember this. them. how they are now. little moments. a hand. a laugh. chatter. caleb taking lucas' order in his pretend house while lucas stands on tip-toe waiting and laughing. this morning caleb played in his room. lucas came banging on the door so caleb let him in...and shut the door behind them. i let them be. there were only happy sounds coming from caleb's room and drifting down the hallway. i need these little moments because lately there have been a lot of hard moments. moments where caleb's body and spirit spiral out of control and i am helpless to help him. my arms that offer comfort wrap around his stiff and tense body as he screams in my ear. my silent pleads offered upward but i am answered only in his screams and shaking body. and then this morning i lost it too. whereas most the time i calmly tell him mommy and him need a break or some space...or i keep my voice even when it wants to explode....whereas most the time i go out of my own pain and offer help for his, i couldn't and didn't do that this morning. i screamed back. and then i sobbed. lucas looked on at the two of us crying wondering what the big deal is. we're too much alike sometimes, caleb and i. both so sensitive that we can easily rub the wrong way. all he wanted was his daddy. and all i could do was wrap my arms around him. saying sorry. sorry that it was me instead of him. and that i screamed back. it was the worst feeling. i never yell...let alone scream. and all i could give back to him were big warm puddles of tears to match his. i feel like we are waiting in puddles. waiting for our consult with the OT. waiting for the school district evaluation in october. waiting for his appointment with the ped. endocrinologist. waiting and wondering how our lives might change. how his routine will change. how we'll be able to afford the OT, or if we'll have to give him medicine to regulate his thyroid. All i have are big looming questions that i try not to think or ask myself until the doctors can answer them. and all i can do is hope they can give us answers. answers for why he is so tired. why his moods switch on and off faster than a light switch. what we can do to help. i feel helpless to help him sometimes...even with all my childhood training and background i feel stumped to tears. i love him. i love both these boys so much my heart hurts from the joy and happiness, the pain and sadness, the love and fear, the peace and fullness i feel from being their mama. bad days happen. but so do good days. they are trying and so am I. And we're all learning together. And sometimes we fall, but we'll pick ourselves back up.

We're going to be studying James in my bible study. Many of the girls are going through some big trials in their lives right now and the book of James is all about trials. Well I guess this couldn't be more fitting. Sometimes the greatest trials bring us the greatest joy. I know that we are going through our own little trial right now, but I find so much comfort knowing He carries me through it. Dave is such a huge support along with our family, our parents, siblings, my sisters, but especially Jenny who gets caleb and his moods better than most :) I know God placed some special people in our lives to help us through on this journey. I've been blessed already by some caring friends who have reached out their hand and picked me up when I was face planting on the floor.

Happy half-way Wednesday!! Glad it is only a four day work week!

what it means to me.

a tuesday that feels like a monday. that's a good thing. the day after the weekend, it is sometimes a hard day. especially for caleb...and usually me too. thankfully lucas balances out our moody monday moods :)

here are a few moments captured from our morning.

 i know i've taken a picture of this before.  but  it is such a sweet moment to remember. caleb loves to greet lucas when lucas wakes up from a nap. lucas loves to be greeted. the sounds that echo out of the bedroom and down the hallway are music to my ears ;) happy giggles. coos and babbles from lucas, chit chat from caleb. these two. there are many more 'squabbles' these days, almost all being over toys and lucas getting into something caleb is playing with. but-there still remains many, many sweet moments. i want to hold on to them. engrave them in my heart. their giggles. they chatter. the laughter that fills up the house like a warm breeze. the sweetness in the way they are-with one another. they truly are the best of friends. and i can only pray they will always will be. they are the perfect balance to one another these two brother boys of mine.

lucas is standing up against everything-and then if it moves...he pushes it. everywhere. his little legs, still shaky but he is a determined fellow. he moves toy cars, baskets, chairs, ottomans, toys, etc. anything that has potential to move...is moved by lucas.

this is the smallest, but cutest worker bench. it is full of color and wood (oh how i love the wood) and has little nobs and holes and tools and every little boy's dream right in each piece of tool. so much so that nightly you can find caleb all cozy with his hammer. yep. a blue hammer, an egg (toy), and giraffe (toy). random. but comforting to him nonetheless.

lastly. running. it has become something for me. when will i consider myself a runner? i'm not sure. but running means something to me now. it means that with every foot to the pavement, every pounding and swinging and deep breath i take...i breath in something deeper. something stronger. something greater than me. all my stress and anxiety that i can't control falls off my shoulders and gets left behind with my footprints in the dust. i let my sadness go. my fears for the future. my anxiety of the unknowns. it is my quiet time. music fills my ears and my soul with words that heal. running brings me closer to Him. There isn't time to think of much more than words to a song. prayers in my heart. and feet to the floor. one breath. one step. that's all i focus on. today was a good run. a fast run. the fastest run i've had yet. i ran off the morning. sick babies. out of sorts toddler. frustrated mama. i listened to words that healed me. and when cold water trickled down my face in the shower that followed, i left it all behind. where it belonged. i gave them up. those thoughts that don't belong. left them far from the front door. somewhere between the time i took my first tentative mile out the front door almost a year ago....and my last hard run, i've reflected and i feel grateful that i literally stumbled upon running. it is cheap. no gym pass necessary. it is healing. and it is just what i need right now. and for it all, i'm so grateful to dave. because he pushes me, believes in me, encourages me, and supports me. he's been my biggest fan. having an amazing running partner (who literally lives around the corner) has made all the difference too.

via image
so yes...it has been slow and steady. but isn't that sometimes the best?

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i'm glad that i walked out the door almost a year ago and felt that urge to pound hard on the pavement. i've shed two different pairs of running shoes along with a whole lot of stress and worries ( i am still waiting to shed the remaining prego baby belly fat..:)). in their place i've gained strength...emotionally and even physically. from deep within my soul and spirit.. miles i never thought i could run..and muscle i never knew i had under all that skin and baby bulge. mostly, i've been surprised. i used to say 'those crazy runners, why on earth do they run?' but now i've become them. and i'll tell you why. because running makes you want to die. it makes you think you just might be crazy. but it also makes you realize you can survive. i've survived miles. and miles of pain. and i'll continue to survive. pain makes me grow stronger in Him. running pain and life's challenges pain.

i love the christopher robin quote...

via image

what inspires you? what gives you strength when you feel weak? what challenges you and molds you?

happy 'feels likes a monday' but 'hurray it is really tuesday'!! Tuesday :)

oakland zoo adventure

spontaneous. zoo. adventure. with auntie=a fun blasting day!

even though these pics are splattered on fb and instagram...there are some nice ones 'with the nice camera' at the bottom....thanks hubby :)

(it is diff. to pull out the camera with lucas in the ergo...he likes to grab...thankfully hubs was on camera duty)

 

anyway. we had a spontaneous zoo trip this weekend. jenny was at the delta in Sacramento with cameron and his fam and we decided to meet up. can i just say taking an almost three year old to the zoo was a lot of fun? this is caleb's second zoo trip (lucas' first) lucas was really into the monkey exhibits. caleb was really into every single animal exhibit. and if you ask him about it...he'll tell you about it (stopping every now and then to breath) he's really all about animals right now....

so here are some pics from our fun day!

 fun just arrived in the backseat, in the form of auntie.

 cozy in the backseat.

 let the fun begin! we're here.

 elephants. (very cool. they were eating tree branches with their trunks...this is very fascinating to watch. especially if you are three years old! and in case you didn't see the entire thing...you can hear all about it at bedtime when we re-hash the day's events!)

 this is jenny's favorite. the giraffes. always have been...probably always will be! i love them too. they are so pretty. those stripes! those necks. caleb loves them too. there was a baby giraffe that caleb hasn't stopped talking about since he saw it.

 this was the most hilarious picture attempt. the camel got a lil close so jenny started backing away real quick while holding the camera. probably a had to be there...it was funny though. trust me.

 the baboons. what can i say? lucas was beyond excited. he was making monkey sounds right back at them...they are very interesting looking. be glad i didn't capture their butts on my camera. it is a sight that stays with you (even though you don't want it to!)

 now that is nice hair. (it's okay lucas, don't mind what other people might say. mama likes it!)

 the alligator. very exciting. (caleb's still unsure about this one...he got pretty nervous when it moved closer to him and opened up a huge jaw of teeth...he gets quiet whenever alligator is mentioned) but i was excited! it was my first time coming face to face with one :)

 luckily for caleb, he was pretty safe up on daddy's shoulders!

 this was my favorite. the monkey exhibit. they were brothers i think? maybe...whatever. they were bffs and it was hilarious to watch them interact! i could have sat all day and stared hard at these two lil guys.

 smiles

 more smiles. it was a very happy day.

 dave captured these sweet moments! thanks dave :)

 this is my favorite. melt.my.heart.

 pretty cool i think. dave was playing around with the camera.

 more cheesy smiles :)

 zebras. another favorite for caleb of course.

 love them.

 can i admit something here? i really want to ride a camel in Greece. there i said it, okay? sisterhood of the traveling pants can be thanked for that.

 family photo opt. cause we're corny like that :)

 sisters/brothers photo opt. missing lor!

 i had to throw in this one. caleb's leaning in to auntie for a closer look at those giraffes

well we had quite a day! thanks jen for inspiring this outing :) and if you made it this far..thanks for scrolling on through all these pics. (cause i have a very hard time narrowing down my picture selection. thank you)

fun. fun. zoo. day.