i want to remember this. them. how they are now. little moments. a hand. a laugh. chatter. caleb taking lucas' order in his pretend house while lucas stands on tip-toe waiting and laughing. this morning caleb played in his room. lucas came banging on the door so caleb let him in...and shut the door behind them. i let them be. there were only happy sounds coming from caleb's room and drifting down the hallway. i need these little moments because lately there have been a lot of hard moments. moments where caleb's body and spirit spiral out of control and i am helpless to help him. my arms that offer comfort wrap around his stiff and tense body as he screams in my ear. my silent pleads offered upward but i am answered only in his screams and shaking body. and then this morning i lost it too. whereas most the time i calmly tell him mommy and him need a break or some space...or i keep my voice even when it wants to explode....whereas most the time i go out of my own pain and offer help for his, i couldn't and didn't do that this morning. i screamed back. and then i sobbed. lucas looked on at the two of us crying wondering what the big deal is. we're too much alike sometimes, caleb and i. both so sensitive that we can easily rub the wrong way. all he wanted was his daddy. and all i could do was wrap my arms around him. saying sorry. sorry that it was me instead of him. and that i screamed back. it was the worst feeling. i never yell...let alone scream. and all i could give back to him were big warm puddles of tears to match his. i feel like we are waiting in puddles. waiting for our consult with the OT. waiting for the school district evaluation in october. waiting for his appointment with the ped. endocrinologist. waiting and wondering how our lives might change. how his routine will change. how we'll be able to afford the OT, or if we'll have to give him medicine to regulate his thyroid. All i have are big looming questions that i try not to think or ask myself until the doctors can answer them. and all i can do is hope they can give us answers. answers for why he is so tired. why his moods switch on and off faster than a light switch. what we can do to help. i feel helpless to help him sometimes...even with all my childhood training and background i feel stumped to tears. i love him. i love both these boys so much my heart hurts from the joy and happiness, the pain and sadness, the love and fear, the peace and fullness i feel from being their mama. bad days happen. but so do good days. they are trying and so am I. And we're all learning together. And sometimes we fall, but we'll pick ourselves back up.
We're going to be studying James in my bible study. Many of the girls are going through some big trials in their lives right now and the book of James is all about trials. Well I guess this couldn't be more fitting. Sometimes the greatest trials bring us the greatest joy. I know that we are going through our own little trial right now, but I find so much comfort knowing He carries me through it. Dave is such a huge support along with our family, our parents, siblings, my sisters, but especially Jenny who gets caleb and his moods better than most :) I know God placed some special people in our lives to help us through on this journey. I've been blessed already by some caring friends who have reached out their hand and picked me up when I was face planting on the floor.
Happy half-way Wednesday!! Glad it is only a four day work week!
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