Chris Tomlin - Lord I Need You

http://youtu.be/_rR_Rdb1CTE

(I can't get the song to upload here) But I love this song :) Click on the link if you want.

if I could...

from our morning...

early morning run followed by quiet time while the boys slept in. love starting the day this way (even if it doesn't happen everyday!)

park play

thomas time @OT (bathroom)

starting up our beth moore study tonight @ my womens' bible study. I am sooo excited ;)

Here's what's been on my mind today:

If I was supermom; with super powers...

I would have an invisible door in Caleb's room that blocked out all sound for him at night and naps. This would make bedtime much easier and prevent him from waking up to Lucas!

I would have the perfect sleep remedy for Caleb that would make him happily drift into a blissful sleep all night long, no tears at bedtime, no hour long routine, no middle of the night restless sleep or waking up to lucas when they are sick....it'd be perfect. My heart would no longer break over the fact that bedtime has been and continues to be a great challenge for him; along with transitions...oh those transitions...

I would always stay calm and serene and NEVER lose my cool when Caleb's in a meltdown and won't let me touch him or get near him. I would never feel helpless. I would never let out a shout of frustration or boil inside with helplessness and sometimes anger because I feel like I can't help him enough.

I would align the boys' happy times to be at the same time. Not when Caleb is grumpy in the morning and lucas wakes up singing. They would both be happy.

I would have the supermom powers to never lose my cool with d after I've kept in my frustrations from the morning with the boys. Things like bad naps and horrible bedtime go downs with c, they wouldn't affect me. They wouldn't get me. I'd be easy going and a chill pill would work for me.

The house would always be clean. Laundry wouldn't be forever going. Meltdowns would never happen. I would feel peace all of the time, not just after a run or doing my quiet time, or while taking a 'me' break. Or when the boys are playing happily together, or just during the good moments. I'm working on feeling peace amid the chaos..I'm still not there all of the time yet.

Ahhh. It'd be perfect. LIFE would be PERFECT. I would be the best mom and the best wife ever. Magic would be at my finger tips :)

But let's face it. I'm not a perfect mom or a perfect wife, daughter, or sister. I fail daily! I feel like I am never good enough sometimes. BUT- God uses all of our weakness and gives us HIS strength-if we call on Him and ASK Him, SEEK Him and Pray continually. If I didn't experience these daily struggles I don't think I'd be so dependent on God all of the time. As a mother I have come crashing into the realization that I can't control anything and Life isn't perfect. As a mother of a child with sensory struggles I am even more aware of how much I can't control. I certainly can't take away Caleb's pain and frustration with everyday tasks that are just down right hard for him. I certainly can't make bedtime smooth sailing like it is with lucas everyday. I can't make him a happy camper when he wakes up. Being a girl that likes to have everything in control, some things are even more difficult for me. I struggle with this moment by moment sometimes. But when I do let go and TRUST God with my burdens, when I lift up my struggles and my weakness I am then able to allow God to work through me. It is so hard sometimes!! I often feel like I am failing and never quite good enough; but I am learning. I'm learning to let Go. To Let God take the reigns of my life. To TRUST Him always. I have tools that help me. Running. Reading the Bible. Dave. The bond the boys share and focusing on that. OT and all I have learned from Caleb's therapists in how to help him. My sisters. My mom. Family. Friends. Friends that get it. A special person that truly gets it as her little girl struggles in the same way as Caleb. Fresh air. Sunshine. Beauty in the little things. Moments with the boys. Backyard swinging. barefoot in the grass play. baking. bathtime. the little moments are so beautiful.

Life is far from perfect. But I do know that if I had a perfect life I wouldn't appreciate it. It is only when we are down, falling flat on our faces, that we can look up to Heaven where God reaches out his heavenly hand and HOLDS us.

I see God in so many ways,
in flowers, butterflies that emerge from their cocoons, in Lucas' laughter and spirit of joy. In Caleb's challenges and in his struggles, in the way he overcomes hard things. In Dave. In his patience and love and gentleness as he guides his sons into the men they will become. In family. In friends. In the love I feel for my boys. In our family. Our love. Our blessings in our trials.


                                images via google.


lastly, daylight savings time has us (especially C) a little messed up I will admit. Bedtime since Sunday has been closer to 7:30 instead of 7. Lu will sleep in (till 8:30am) but C doesn't (except for today! yay) I have come to realize that this shift in time/this transition is another thing that affect's C and his self regulation. Not feeling well also doesn't help. But we've found yet another -in- for C in the form of music therapy (aka listening therapy) and in some specific cds that help him regulate and focus. Music has been for him something that is calming and regulating and now with it being another theraputic cd we are using, we are finding that it is making a huge difference and continuing to help. I'm so grateful for his OTherpists!  Because of them, he's becoming a much happier and well regulated little boy; one step at a time. I love how much he loves music, am amazed at how quickly he memorizes songs from KLOVE on our drive to OT and can just imagine him one day playing an instrument :)

I love Tuesdays (since I don't have to work) and sunshine. I love that spring is around the corner. That the nights are longer and the days are brighter :) I love lazy afternoons soaking up the warm sun with my barefoot babies in the backyard post naps...

Happy Tuesday!

loving...





 :)

sunshine and smiles.

our weekend.

boys in their bike trailer with daddy while I ran alongside them. a gorgeous sunset on a friday night. perfect way to start off the weekend.

 enjoying sunshine and swinging in our backyard.

 daddy's helper.
I love watching you as your water the plants sweet Caleb. So careful and deliberate. You concentrate hard and smile with excitement and anticipation when daddy tells you he has a project for you to help him with in the yard. You love your daddy so much. I love the bond you share with him. I love you so much little man. I love how happy you are working beside him. I love watching his patience and gentle grace in the way he works with you. You, Lucas, your daddy; you boys have my whole heart.

 post family weeding event. watching daddy till the garden.

you love to dig with that shovel. my sweet boy. so content in the yard digging in the dirt and finding mud puddles to play in :)

you're growing up so fast Lucas. Our cheerful, sweet, peaceful, full of spunk Lukie Luke.

 lowes build and grow. followed by a costco outing. i am in love with the child sized hammers they give the kids. seriously such a sweet thing to watch. mommies and daddies. boys and girls. gathered around the table with hammers and directions. (takes some awhile to figure out how to build the project...you can't not smile when you're here. I watch and take pictures cause I am not going near those directions if I don't have to!)

frog feet. nap cheeks. lovey. my heart.

this boy. he's sunshine captured and giggles given. he knows no stranger. he smiles to children, he flirts with seniors. his eyes light up when strangers respond to his attempts to engage them. everyone is a friend. he is joy wrapped up with smiles and laughter, topped with baby boy chub and happy babbles and giggles. we love him.

 missing my sisters this weekend. a lot. watching my brother boys together makes me miss my sisters sometimes. it makes my heart fill up because my boys get to have each other, just like I have my sisters. there's nothing quite like a sister bond, I've realized watching my boys, there's nothing quite like a brother bond either... through all of life's ups and downs. no matter how far apart we may be in miles, we're always in each other's hearts.

 

 

love this quote.

Hope your weekend was full of sunshine, smiles, and dancing too.  

here we go again...

sick. again.

 bless his little heart. so exhausted after little brother kept him up most of the night. he took a car nap, a couch nap, and fell asleep within minutes for his afternoon nap...now if only little brother could get the sleep memo!!

 outside sanity break. hate it when they are sick :/ but love rainy weather. perfect for cuddles and kisses.

a most beautiful moment of silence. after a long (wakeful night for lucas...and everyone else) and a fussy morning.

my top two reasons why sickness stinks.

1. lucas does.not.sleep. good at all! hence the rest of the house doesn't sleep good either.
2. caleb rarely has just a simple cold...he ends up on breathing treatments.

and my number one pet peeve regarding sickness?
moms that bring sick children over to play dates, or inside to activities with healthy children. if there is a snotty nose child you can guarantee lucas will catch their cold, give it to caleb, and then it's the Merry go sick round of breathing treatments and sleepless nights.

winter germs stink big!

we'll be doing a lot of...
cuddles. kisses. wiping little noses. misting up rooms with humidifiers. tissues. holding. and not sleeping....

until we're all healthy again.



one thing rings true everytime the boys are sick...as stressful as it may be, the love I have for Dave grows big. He is an amazing husband and father all of the time, but he really shines in the times it feels as though the plate is being pulled out from under us! i'm glad we have each other to go through the day to day with. the ups and downs are all worth it with him by my side.



I may need hot showers, long walks, morning runs, husband love, baby kisses, and lots of prayer to get me through harder days, but that's all right. After all, the rainbow always comes after the rainstorm.




Happy almost Friday :)

i get it now.

those growing up moments your mom told you "you'll get it one day"  and clearly you just didn't get them...."just you wait, you'll get it" once you become a mother...

 

I get it now mom.

 

Reflections from our day. I love the quiet that settles over our house in the afternoon. The chaos of lunch simmers into restful sleep. This is my time to reflect and rest. To do my devotionals, to write on the blog about our day, to nap :)

 

I had some major happy heart moments this am. So excuse me while I blubber on...

 

moments.

running under a warm cloak of rain clouds and smelling in sweet, spring flowers. waking up and running where the world is quiet; this is my favorite way to start my day (if i can motivate myself out of our cozy bed that is)

sheep grazed outside c's potential future preschool. kinda cool! i was feeling nervous about how caleb would react with children in the class; after our saturday open house here (only a couple kids saturday). No need to feel nervous. We were welcomed in, stayed over an hour, played, did some letter writing, and talked with the director. Caleb had an entire convo with her at the end (this doesn't happen with meeting people, or with people in general outside family and close friends) Watching your child emerge from their shell right in front of you, well, there's nothing like it. How can I explain? Watching a butterfly emerge from their cocoon, or a turtle from his shell? Ever read Leo the Late Bloomer? A childhood favorite of mine; as I was most def. a shy Leo. We had zero melt downs this morning. Another little leap in a mama's heart. The environment at this school is so peaceful and calm. It is a safe place. I could tell how safe Caleb felt in the way he played despite there being other children there and how he interacted with a new person; talking to her despite only having just met her saturday. While Lucas easily makes friends and knows no strangers, that comes harder for Caleb. I love that Lucas makes Caleb feel safe and that together the boys create a beautiful balance.  

playing at the park

following our preschool visit we played at the park. the boys climbed and went down slides and ate snacks with friends. I had yet another heart burst moment as I watched Caleb climb up a structure he had never been on before; as I watched him run away from me to go climb up a slide with his friends, talking to them along the way. These are little moments we celebrate. They are big in our book. Lucas wandered around, found mud, found dirt, followed friends, tried to climb up everything. And I watched my boys and felt happy for the simpleness and contentedness that comes in just a morning play date at the park. The sun was shinning and the birds were chirping.

Three 3 year old friends, all boys, chatting in only the language of 3 year old boy age. Sliding slides and running up stairs.

 

I'm thankful for a calm morning despite it being filled with activities. I'm thankful that typical melt down triggers didn't happen this morning. Getting dressed, going in the car, leaving a new place, going home....Caleb kept calm and was just a happy little boy. These are days I remember when we are in the midst of harder ones. Where every transition brings on a melt down and he isn't able to engage in play at the park with other children or in a setting away from home. These are the moments I hold on to because i know there's a little butterfly bursting to come out and fly all of the time. And in those harder moments we hold him and love him just the same.

morning serenade

 

my other favorite morning moments....

picnic lunch in our backyard. pre nap giggles and a game of peek-a-boo. Lucas' easy laugh and cheerful smile. Caleb's tender touch with Lucas. Nap time stories. A muddy post park Lucas. Soaking up each moment with my boys. Watching them, loving them, and bottling up their precious-ness. Feeling thankful I am their mama.

 

Happy Tuesday.

some things I didn't know....motherhood.

can't get enough.bare toes. green grass. sunshine. happy lil digger.

life before babies....things i didn't know...

i never knew~
how completely perfect a newborn would feel in my arms
how simply sweet newborn skin feels, smells, and looks.
the heartache of watching your three year old struggle over bedtime, getting dressed, gross motor skills, talking in a group....or the joy felt as you watch your three year old starting to slowly overcome bedtime struggles, getting dressed, gross motor skills, or talking in a group. How much your heart swells with pride and love because things come harder for him than most, but you just know he is so brave. You've taught me so much little man.
how peaceful sitting in a swing could be with a baby in your arms. That peace can come wrapped up in a little package of perfection...Lucas you are my sweet, peaceful boy.
that laundry would never be done all at once...again....and expect everything to get dirty not mere moments after coming out of the dryer.
how patience can stretch out far beyond what you thought you were EVER capable of.  It is possible to remain calm and serene while helping your three year old through a melt down and talking your one year old down from free flowing drippy tears, even if you have to excuse yourself for a sanity break a few minutes later.
just how much a 'sleepless' night affects your day, your mood, your sanity.
how much you could love someone soo small in an instant.
bad moods never stay, and good moods can make you forget about all the bad moods that have happened that week.
how kisses and hugs will make your day that much better.
that being home with my babies makes me the happiest mama but is the hardest job i've ever done; i wouldn't change it for the world. I wouldn't change them for the world.

Their struggles, their joys, their sadness, their smiles....they are wrapped up so beautifully in the essence of MOTHERHOOD
before becoming a mama I was carefree, I ached to hold my own child but didn't know the weight that would carry once holding my own two babies. before becoming a mama I could stay up late and sleep in. I didn't have to worry about someone else and whether they were eating or sleeping enough. But I also didn't know that peace that comes with babies tucked in their beds with eye lashes fluttering and deep breaths floating. I didn't realize how much more fun beach days could be when you have a toddler who loves building sand castles with daddy and and a baby that loves the water. I didn't know the joy that came in having my own little family; two sweet boys and their daddy who make my world.

Becoming a mother is like jumping into a pool of water, it surprises you in the most unexpected ways. But once you dive in, you don't ever want to come out. I love my baby boys and I am so blessed that they were chosen to be ours. Through the ups and the downs I couldn't have a better hubby at my side.

to the moon and back.

weekend love.

my favorite weekend moments.

finding spring. pink blossoms. yellow daffodils. backyard play. family walks. lucas' pure delight in others; how he smiles and charms strangers on the street, in church, at the store, everyone is a friend.

long afternoon naps. running with the rising sun. evening sunsets. patio dinners. bubble baths. skype squeals. sunday night homemade pasta. a sweet birthday party for a friend.

train rides and cupcakes. playing and laughing with friends.

mama talk. brother conversations. big, wrap arms around mama's neck hugs. holding hands with hubby. watching the boys with their daddy. caleb's happiness. lucas' free spirit.

weekend love.




Hope yours was filled with many love moments too.